Let’s name it:
The person who broke you is also the person you long for.
The arms that held you are the same ones that wounded you.
And your body still remembers the warmth, even as your mind screams danger.
This is the contradiction no one warns you about.
Missing them doesn’t mean you’re weak.
It means you’re human.
Why You Still Miss Them
You don’t just miss them.
You miss:
The version of you who was loved (or thought you were).
The hope that they’d finally change.
The fantasy of the life you wanted together.
The little bursts of tenderness that kept you hooked.
You miss the highs.
And forget the lows.
That’s not love — it’s withdrawal.
“You don’t miss the pain. You miss the moments that made you believe the pain was worth it.”
The Trap of Nostalgia
Your brain has a cruel habit:
It edits the past.
It zooms in on the good memories, the laughter, the soft mornings, the ‘I love you’s whispered like salvation.
And it blurs out the rest, the yelling, the lies, the nights you cried yourself numb.
That’s not weakness.
That’s survival.
Your mind protects you by rewriting the story.
But here’s the truth:
If the relationship was safe, you wouldn’t have had to heal from it.
The Guilt Spiral
The worst part isn’t just missing them.
It’s hating yourself for missing them.
You tell yourself:
“What kind of person longs for their abuser?”
“If I miss them, maybe it wasn’t that bad.”
“I must be broken for still caring.”
But listen closely:
Missing them doesn’t mean you were wrong to leave.
It means your body hasn’t caught up with your decision yet.
What To Do With The Ache
Don’t shame the longing.
Let it exist. Notice it. Name it. “This is missing them. This is normal.”Anchor to reality.
Write down what actually happened - the pain, the fear, the truth. Read it when nostalgia clouds you.Mourn what you never got.
You’re not just grieving them. You’re grieving the love they couldn’t give.Redirect the missing.
When you miss them… ask what you actually needed in those moments. Safety? Comfort? Validation? Give that to yourself.
“Missing someone who hurt you doesn’t mean you want them back. It means you want back the parts of yourself you lost in them.”
Journal Prompt
When I say ‘I miss them,’ what is the feeling I’m actually missing?
Is it love? Or is it safety, validation, or belonging?
With tenderness for the ache,